First thing we should probably discuss: I suck at Facebook messages. So, if you have reached out to me for wedding planning advice (my former gig), book writing advice (I certainly don’t have any but I’m in the market if you want to share), declarations of unrequited love (stop that shit, you stop that shit right now), or just missing my face and want to say hiiiiiiiii — please understand that I am not ignoring you at all (except the creepers); I am just not suited for the quickie messagy thingy (that’s a thing, that’s totally a thing). And I am also fabulous at that thing you do when you think you have responded, only to find out weeks later you haven’t and now you feel inadequate at life and friendship and are pretty sure everyone is talking about your flakiness behind your Facebook back and… and…
I mean, that’s a total legitimate phobia, right?
BUT one thing that pops up pretty much weekly, that I really really really try to respond to, is some wonderful soul inquiring about my favorite books, series, authors, etc. And this post is dedicated to them. Because I am still not going to respond on Facebook.
Today is Yesterday was “Drop Everything And Read Day” (it’s a real thing — you can thank Mrs. Cleary for that) and I have two full hours (glorious, spledid, baby-free hours) to jot down some of my favorite books, series, and naughty suggestions for you poor book deprived babes.
For more information about D.E.A.R. — click the clickity click thang here. The encouragement and plea for everyone to read actually lasts all month; still have plenty of time to find your next favorite alternative to the gym! And I hope this rather sloppily put together post will help some person out there with a broken TV and not enough drinking money this month.
A few quick things you should know about your favorite bibliophile (er, me):
1) Harry Potter is my favorite series of all time. I don’t care if you think it’s cliche, boring, or immature. So is your face. Muggle.
2) My favorite authors (for various reasons): Neil Gaiman, R.L. Stine, Chuck Palahniuk, Stephen King, Anne Lamott, and J.K. Rowling. Do I think they are all insanely brilliant writers — no. Have their books influenced my life in some way — absolutely. Are they all worth reading — every single day.
3) I give every book a shot but I do not force myself to finish shitty books. My time is way too precious. My son is way too impatient. And they don’t let me have the good liquor while I am pregnant.
4) I get bored with Chick Lit. I have a super unhealthy obsession with YA. And vampire porn has never bothered me.
If any of those things turn you off, you might not dig the following suggestions. You probably also pull puppy tails and don’t know who Buffy Summers is and that means I would never trust you with my child. For obvious reasons.
Also, if you aren’t a member of Goodreads, get the freak on there and dance!
Because my time is precious and the baby gets pissy, I will be pretty brief with my suggestions. I’ll share a quick quote or two from the book, its Goodreads rating, and you can click on the name if you would like to purchase any of these fancy tales.
Some of my favorites books:
Invisible Monsters (Goodreads: 4.0)
The writing is fantastic. The story is twisted and unexpected. My favorite Palahniuk book — better than Fight Club. Other favorites from this crazy talented (and a bit demented) author: Diary, Lullaby, Damned, Haunted, Survivor, Rant, and Choke.
“No matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close.”
“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character…Would you slow down? Or speed up?”
“Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?”
On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft (Goodreads: 4.27)
I could list a silly amount of Stephen King novels that have wowed me and moved me as a reader and writer. But this book, the one about his life and his thoughts on writing, is the book that changed me the most and kicked my ass the best.
“Kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler’s heart, kill your darlings.”
“If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There’s no way around these two things that I’m aware of, no shortcut.”
And Then There Were None (Goodreads: 4.28)
If you haven’t read this classic, go sit in the corner and think about your life choices. Alone. Without your beer.
“One of us in this very room is in fact the murderer.”
“In the midst of life we are in death.”
We Were Liars: (Goodreads: 3.88)
“If you want to live where people are not afraid of mice, you must give up living in palaces.”
“I’ll be fine, they tell me. I won’t die. It’ll just hurt a lot.”
Easy Read/New Adult:
I’ll Give You The Sun (Goodreads: 4.1)
“They do make love stories for girls with black hearts after all. They go like this.”
“If bad luck knows who you are, become someone else.”
Fangirl (Goodreads: 4.2)
“There are other people on the Internet. It’s awesome. You get all the benefits of ‘other people’ without the body odor and the eye contact.”
“To really be a nerd, she’d decided, you had to prefer fictional worlds to the real one.”
Anna Dressed In Blood (Goodreads: 3.98)
“You fuck – you ate my cat!”
“But hey, at least we’ll have this strange story to tell, love and death and blood and daddy-issues. And holy crap, I’m a psychiatrist’s wet dream.”
“God, living people are irritating.”
Haunted (Goodreads: 3.56)
Not super scary or ghastly throughout, but a damn entertaining read. I mainly included this one in this section because one of the stories in it has caused over 70 people to faint during live readings. And now you are intrigued.
“That’s how a scary story works. It echoes some ancient fear. It re-creates some forgotten terror. Something we’d like to think we’ve grown beyond. But it can still scare us to tears. It’s something you’d hoped was healed.”
“We’d turn our lives into a terrible adventure. A true-life horror story with a happy ending. A trial we’d survive to talk about.”
For the dude that hates reading (aka the only books my husband has finished):
The Long Walk (Goodreads: 4.1)
“They’re animals, all right. But why are you so goddam sure that makes us human beings?”
“Just go on dancing with me like this forever and I’ll never tire. We’ll scrape our shoe on the stars and hang upside down from the moon.”
A Game of Thrones (all the damn books) — (Goodreads: 4.64)
I am sure you have seen the show. Or at least a commercial. Liked it? Then go forth and read. No quote necessary.
From the author of Gone Girl (In my opinion, these are more disturbing and better than that Ben Afflick thing):
Dark Places (Goodreads: 3.9)
“I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark, drop on the floor so you could stomp on it.”
“Coffee goes great with sudden death.”
Sharp Objects (Goodreads: 3.88)
“There was nothing I wanted to do more than be unconscious again, wrapped in black, gone away. I was raw. I felt swollen with potential tears, like a water balloon filled to burst. Begging for a pin prick.”
“A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort.”
Naughty Series (some of these are just sick — and I read every single disgusting word):
Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series: (Goodreads: 4.1)
The first one kind of sucks, the rest are truly addicting and honestly, I fell in deep deep like with the majority of the characters. Buyer beware: Some of the books are so damn perverted and icky; you will blush, then graciously excuse yourself, and pray for forgiveness as you continue reading…
The Black Dagger Brotherhood series: (Goodreads: 4.7)
Damn — vampires and sex. Again. My sincere apologies. Or you’re welcome?
For the soon to be Hot Mama’s:
Belly Laughs (I know it’s McCarthy, but it will make you laugh during this crazy time and it offers a great break from all the regrettable parenting manuels.)
“I found myself revealing things about what was happening to me that most women are way too embarrassed to talk about. But what I found is what I hope you’ll discover, too: It’s a huge relief to know that other women are going through similar gross and smelly things. And girl, are they ever.”
“I’m probably just as good a mother as the next repressed, obsessive-compulsive paranoiac.”
“One thing about having a baby is that each step of the way you simply cannot imagine loving him any more than you already do, because you are bursting with love, loving as much as you are humanly capable of- and then you do, you love him even more.”
“Okay, it’s been three days without them, and already I’m nostalgic for diapers. Partly, it’s about Ben growing up so fast, even though I realize that potty training at almost three doesn’t exactly make him some kind of prodigy… But also, and I realize this is less motherly of me, I simply miss the mellowness of diapered life: Gotta pee in your car seat? Go right ahead. Wanna drink a quart of juice right before bed? Be my guest. Now it’s like, ‘Do you want to pee before we go? Do you want to just try one last time?’ or ‘Did you give him water after dinner? Jesus, honey, what were you thinking?’”
Any of the following Anne Lamott books. ALL THE BOOKS. She is not overly religious, but super faithful in her own, dirty, witty, fulfilling way. And one hell of a fancy writer.
- Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
- Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope, and Repair
- Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers
Young Adult Series to devour:
Seriously, I have read a ridiculous amount of YA series. These are my favorite. You will thank me and offer pastries. I will accept.
- The Mortal Instruments
- The Infernal Devices
- Divergent Series
- Shatter Me Series
- Matched Trilogy
- Shadow and Bone Series
- The Bone Season Series
And what am I currently reading?
Gretel and the Dark (Goodreads: 3.64)
“Books; I repeat, for they’ve not only been a solace during the long years but also provided the keys to understanding other people’s ideas and achievements, their hopes and fears, quirks and foibles, their dreams…..their demons”
What is next on my list?
The Axeman’s Jazz (Goodreads: 3.8)
* Review to come!! Ah, the unnecessary suspense!
I am so sorry I can’t be more thorough or give legit reviews. You see, my time has run out. The dude is awake and I have used up all my good bribes and excuses — the little devil demands quality time and food.
And please let me know your favorites and books I need to add to my shelf immediately. If you don’t, I’ll just end up buying more ruffled baby clothes and crackers… I am so terribly pregnant.